I'm not ready... but I think he is.

I can't believe that this day is here.  It's been 4 1/2 years in the making.  Longer than that I guess.  And all day today I thought that I was ready.  And then I got home, and found a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a sweet card from a dear friend on my front porch.  And I broke down in tears, and I wasn't in the door of the house yet.  And then my aunt pulled into the driveway, and I had to act like I was fine.

But I wasn't. 

Our night was busy, and after dinner we did baths, playing, and then Wayne and I went upstairs to pick out his FIRST, first day of school outfit.  I can't believe it.  But more than that, I can't believe the outfit he chose.  He picked his white shirt, with "Rocky" on the front, his black vest, his light jeans (not is dark ones) and his new white socks.  He's going to be SO cute in the morning. 

He was getting sleepy, and turned to me and asked that I not leave him at preschool.  If he asks me that tomorrow, I don't know that I will.  

Sigh.

Why am I not ready?  I guess it's because I still know that he is my baby.  I still picture him with his big baby head and smile.  I still feel the joy in my heart as Dr. Mora said, "It's a boy!" and how funny it felt to call him Wayne those first few weeks that he was born.  

And I am afraid that as soon as I admit that he's ready for preschool, it's just a quick rot into "ready for kindergarten" and then "ready for high school" and I just might as well send him to college. 

And yet...  he is ready.  And I want him to be.  I've poured myself into him for 4 1/2 years.  From teaching him to drink from a sippy cup, and pee in a toilet.  And talk.  That took quite a bit.  I tried to teach him to be kind and compassionate, and to think of others.  To be a helper, and to find joy in helping and not do it just because he's been told.  To have a passion for learning, and to find joy in the little things.  

And I think I've done a pretty darn good job so far.  He is all those things.

Dear Wayne,

      Tomorrow is your first day of school, and you are sooo excited.  You have been counting down the sleeps, looking at your backpack, and talking about Teacher Pam for weeks.  I know that you are ready to go, and that you are going to have so much fun playing with the other kids, learning from your teacher, and exploring all of the things that God created in this world, just for you.  You are an absolute joy, and the delight of my heart.  I could not be more proud of the little boy that you have become.  So tomorrow morning, to quite a wise woman, I am going to "put on my big girl panties" and bring you to preschool for the first time.  And leave you there.  I promise that as much as I want to, I will not sit in the parking lot the entire time that you are in class.  Well, maybe for 5 minutes, but only until I can see through my tears enough to drive.  I will leave not because it's what I want, but because it is best for you, and you are so ready for this next big step.  I will pray that you have a fabulous morning, and that you remember that I'll love you forever, pray for you always, and forever my baby you'll be. 

I love you more than the whole wide world,

Mom